My room smells like vodka and shame
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
