Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
only you would photoshop your dick
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
