I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
