Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Vodka?
Forever.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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