Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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