We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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