if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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