So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
