Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
