The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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