Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
