theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
