He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
