All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
