Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
