I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
