I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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