Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
whose parrot is this?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Randomize
