you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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