Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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