We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
