I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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