Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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