You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
