Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
