god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
