Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
