You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Randomize
