Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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