her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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