I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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