they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
