Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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