So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
