All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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