some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I think your dad took our porno
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
