Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
