im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
