She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
