he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
