Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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