Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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