the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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