Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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