I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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