i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
