Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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