Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
