I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
