i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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