I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
