drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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