I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
