I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
