Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
