I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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