between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize