My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
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