her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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