I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
