life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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