yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
