What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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