fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
